"All rise for the honorable Judge Hardcase," the bailiff chirped.
Hotshot attorney James Gravy straightened his silk tie and stood alongside his client, alleged murderer Dr. Fred Horkaboo. James murmured sideways to him, sotto voce, "Don't worry, I got this. The judge and I go way back. When we were kids I once beat him half to death with a pillowcase full of padlocks."
Fred opened his mouth to protest but James shushed him with a manicured finger.
Judge Hardcase assumed his rightful place on the bench with a regal grunt. He gave his spectacles a judicious cleaning with his robe as the rest of the room sat back down in their comparatively more uncomfortable seats. Once he'd put the glasses back on his face, he regarded James with dour recognition.
"Ah, Mr. Gravy. Such a pleasure for our paths to cross once again."
"Same to you, your majesty," James said, beaming a cocksure smile.
The judge peered over his glasses at James and said, "I do believe 'your honor' will be sufficient. I am not your patriarch, Mr. Gravy."
James' smile shattered.
"Oh, um... yes. Of course, your honor."
He sat down quickly, sweat beginning to stream from his hairline.
What the hell am I doing? he thought. I didn't even get through the opening credits of My Cousin Vinny, let alone law school! I'm a sham!
Judge Hardcase turned and addressed the prosecution. "Ms. Sphorner, let's hear your opening statement."
Karen Sphorner bolted to her feet.
"Of course," she said, and then, glowering at James, "I would be delighted, your honor."
James sunk in his chair.
Karen winked at the judge, but he didn't notice. She then paced in front of the jury several times for dramatic effect before launching into her spiel.
"Friends, Romans, and countrymen of the jury... lend me your ears. That man across the room, Dr. Fred Horkaboo, is accused of murder. Now obviously, no one knows what 'murder' is, really. And that's why we're here. To find out what a 'murder' is. Or at least that's why I'm here."
The members of the jury looked at each other in utter confusion, but Karen continued on, undaunted.
"If I had to guess, I'd say it's a crime involving dog theft or some other humbuggery. But rest assured that we, the prosecution - and by we I mean me, and by me I mean I - will, can, must, and may get to the bottom of this. Thank you."
She could feel every eye in the room tracking her as she returned to her seat.
Good lord that was awful, she thought. I'm starting to wish I'd never found that law degree in that box of Boo Berry.
The judge, dripping with incredulity, stared at her for two solid minutes before shaking his head in disgust and turning back to James.
"Mr. Gravy, the floor is yours, I suppose. God have mercy on us all."
James had popped a few capsules of Confidenz™ while Karen was giving her opening statement and he was now raging with an avidity to redeem himself for his previous gaff.
"Hey, guys! It's me, hotshot attorney James Gravy. Remember, from earlier?"
The collective groan from the entire room didn't faze him.
"Now, like the opposing team here, I myself do not know what a murder is. But rest assured that-"
Judge Hardcase interrupted him with a bellowing roar. "Enough of this mockery! Both of you lack even a remedial understanding of the law and bring shame to yourselves, your families, this court, and the American legal system! Begone you fools! Case dismissed!"
He punctuated his ruling with a thunderous slam of his gavel.
Dr. Horkaboo went on to kill twelve more people - including disbarred attorneys James Gravy and Karen Sphorner - before cutting his own throat during a standoff with the police.
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