"Put this on."
John strapped the odd apparatus to his head. "How do I look?"
"Like a champion, John. A goddamn champion!"
The colonel then kicked him out of the helicopter. John flailed his arms as he plunged into the Pacific, as he had been trained to do during his many years as an elite Navy Seal.
The ocean was murky below the surface. John spun around and tried to get his bearings. It was a confusing place. He eventually just picked a direction and swam that way.
At one point a sperm whale appeared from the depths and swam alongside John. It seemed to be flapping a fin as if to greet him. John gave the sperm whale a stern middle finger, hoped he had sufficiently offended it, and continued on.
Eventually he happened upon an underwater slum. Dolphin turf. This must be where they'd been keeping the President. He tip-swum his way stealthily to the front door. He rapped upon it with his Navy-issued aquaknocker.
A small slit opened in the door. "EHCKECKEHCKEHKCKKHEHKKCK!" they demanded.
John grimaced as he recalled the password Navy intelligence had deciphered earlier. "Um... ckekekkkchkkehhkeekckhek?" he said, a torrent of bubbles belching from his mouth.
The slit closed and the door opened. He was escorted into the foyer and told to wait. The dolphin butler motioned to some magazines on a nearby table. John attempted to read one but it was all in dophinese and mostly fluff pieces anyway.
A dolphin with a huge beard of barnacles came into the room and demanded to see John's identification. He provided the forged documents after patting himself down as if he'd forgotten where he'd last put them. The bearded dolphin (Barney, John thought, I bet his name is Barney!) told John that his named was Beardy. Damn! John thought.
Beardy led John to a secondary foyer. There, another dolphin - this one with huge, supple breasts - bid John welcome and gave him a coy wink. John felt uncomfortable, but in all the right ways. She introduced herself (Booby, John thought, I bet her name is Booby!) as Barney (What?) and told him to have a seat.
Another 10 minutes elapsed before John was then taken to a tertiary foyer and met another dolphin. And another. Then a lobby. Then a vestibule. Another foyer. Another lobby. Some sort of poorly designed antechamber--
"Enough!" he bubble-yelled. He yanked the Coke bottle apparatus from his head. "I ain't no motherfucking dolphin, okay? I'm a goddamn Navy Seal and I'm here to save the President of the motherfucking United fucking States!"
The several dozen dolphins surrounding him gasped. Some of them dropped the cans of Surge soda they were drinking, the cans slipping from their fins and slowly falling to the floor. "EHCKECK ECKCK EKC!" one bellowed. They swarmed him like large, dolphin-shaped bees.
This is when John's elite Navy Seal training really came in handy. He began punching dolphins left and right until the water around him turned into a stew of fins and blood. Now he had the advantage. He turned on his stew-vision goggles, enabling him to see when the dolphins themselves could not. He snuck up on them one by one and strangled them with his Navy-issued aquagarrote.
"Sun's setting sir, we best be heading back to base," the pilot gruffed.
The colonel nodded then sprung forward into the cockpit. "Wait! What's that?" He pointed off in the distance. "It's a flare! John made it!"
The helicopter lowered over a rough patch of ocean. There, floating like a man who's slaughtered too many dolphins, was John. A rope was lowered and he affixed it to his belt. As John boarded the helicopter, he dropped the large bag he'd been carrying onto the floor. Two soldiers cut the bag open to reveal... a dolphin with huge, supple breasts.
The colonel cupped one of the breasts. "Glad to have you back, Mr. President!"
The President winked at John again. John winked back. He sighed as he gazed at the horizon. His mission had been a success. The world would probably never know that the President of the United States was a dolphin, or that the dolphin had huge, supple breasts, or that John had attempted to have sex with it just before finding out that it was the President. But maybe that was for the better.
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