Benny plopped his bookbag atop the living room credenza. His parents were visible in the kitchen beyond, blissfully unaware of the shocking revelation he was about to plop onto them, like so many bookbags atop so many credenzas.
His father was parked in the breakfast nook, mercilessly scanning the morning newspaper for errata whilst puffing on his neon pink pipe. A half-eaten Caesar salad sat before him, neglected. His mother, who had prepared the salad, was standing at the sink, picking tofurkey shrapnel from her teeth with a flathead screwdriver.
"Mom," Benny addressed, "...and Dad," he continued. He took a deep breath. "I need to tell you something."
Ned McDenny removed the pipe from his lips. "Oh, Benny! There you are! I have great news! I finished sewing your homecoming unitard!"
Calista McDenny-Reed turned and crossed her arms, obscuring the Tegan and Sara t-shirt she was wearing. "Yeah, quite the seamstress, your father." She tossed him a wink and he swatted it out of the air flamboyantly.
Benny sighed. "That's great, Dad. Thanks. But I really need to tell you something."
His parents exchanged concerned looks. Calista then joined her husband in the breakfast nook, clasping his over-lotioned hand for comfort. "Go on, son. Tell us."
He stared down at his bedazzled shoes in silence for what felt like an eternity. Finally, he just came out with it.
"I'm a... heterosexual."
They gasped, recoiling from him like petting zoo patrons that had just realized the goat they were cuddling had been dead this whole time.
"Benny Leonard McDenny! That is not funny!" his mother yelled.
"But it's true, Mom! I'm serious!"
His father, already on the verge of tears, asked, "How long have you known?"
Benny sighed. "I suppose in a way I've always known. You both expected me to grow up to be this perfect gay son, but no matter how hard I've tried... I... I just can't do it. I look at girls and I get this... feeling..."
Ned's brow creased like a clenched buttock, searing with anger. "So, you've just been lying to us? I spent all that money to send you to Francis Frank's Fabulous Faggot Camp and this is how you repay me?!" He slapped the bowl of salad in front of him off the table and it shattered against Calista's bass guitar. "Now look what you've made me do, you little macho non-queer!" He stormed out of the kitchen, muttering lisped curses under his breath.
Benny was bawling. He never wanted to be somewhere else so badly. He turned to leave, to run away from this nightmare, but his mother grabbed his shoulder and pulled him into a hug. Her meaty arms crushed his insides a bit but he was at least emotionally comforted.
"I'm so sorry, Mom."
"Shhh... it's okay, Benny. We'll figure this out. Everything's going to be just fine."
Just then, Benny felt something smash into the back of his skull. He fell to the floor, and in his last moments of consciousness saw his parents looming above him, shaking their heads disapprovingly.
"Nice hit, Ned," Calista said.
Ned turned the cast iron dildo over in his hand. "Thanks, dear. It had to be done."
Later, as Benny's hogtied body was slowly fed into the sawmill, he wondered what kind of furniture they were going to use his heteroplanks for. I hope it's a credenza, he thought.
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