All was quiet in the Kendwoor system, but Captain Dastard F'udge found it deafening. His fingdigits danced upon the compinterface, activating the bridge's cerulean noise generation matrix. It calmed him somewhat.
He'd been in this new body for only a few millennia but it was already displaying the telltale signs of entropic undoing. The goblintestines were shot, the mercurenal glands faltering and misfiring. Sometimes he found it difficult to kreen onto any one hypernotion for more than a few nexizeconds.
FZZZ-TROOOOONKCHT
The doortube unfurled and in stepped Vice Captain Hugs J'ibble.
"Helvee, Captain!" his wordskorger skeeged. He took a sip from his churheen tea before sitting down next to him.
F'udge willed his facial sinewbladders to bloat, approximating a smile. "And a hardy helvee-tam to you as well, Hugs! How go the repairs to the ship's anterior schtrocthometers?"
"I'll be honest, Dast. The men are tired. Morale is low. Things just haven't been the same since we discovered Pseudo Admiral G'org-L'iipsteinberg had been conspiring with the Doppeldangers all along. If only I'd known sooner! I... might have prevented..."
F'udge placed his bionic claw on J'ibble's shoulder carapace. "Enough of that, Vice Captain. You musn't blame yourself. She fooled us all. Every gildorn one of us."
GRR-DORMP B-B-B-BADEEP
J'ibble's tankard of churheen tea slipped from his tentacle and onto the floor. A tea cleaner drone immediately swooped in and began sopping up the caustic liquid. "Captain, we're being cosmessaged!"
F'udge nodded. "Acknowledged. Activate the holopigeon."
J'ibble's dexterous subtentacles coiled around the holopigeon activation protuberance and he gave it a fierce yank. As the captain held out his claw, a translucent pigeon glittered into being and perched on his wrist. He wrested the cosmessage from its talons and then flicked it towards the front of the room to enlargify it on the vu-wall. F'udge then dispensed a seed cube from the gen-wedge attached to his visor and fed it to the holopigeon. He watched it flutter off, disintegrating into a swarm of polygons before blinking out of existence entirely.
The two men were shocked to see Presidentrix S'mooshy's face appear on the vu-wall. Streaks of white hair had infiltrated her auxiliary mustache, but she was still as radiant as ever.
"Helvee-tum, crew of Xevil Squadroon G. I hope this cosmessage finds you well. Know that the Grand Form is forever thankful for your exemplary service, first during the Transgalactic Uninversion, then the Countergalactic Resubversion, and of course, the eons-spanning Sideways War that may very well have claimed so many more trillions of star systems had you not procured the Infinite Forever Missile from the Betweeniverse."
J'ibble glanced at F'udge and realized the captain was mentally reliving each of the battles as they were listed, subconsciously tracing along the trench-like scar on his cheek with one of his fingdigits.
The Presidentrix continued. "And so it is with great regret that I now ask for your assistance yet again. It appears one of your greatest nemeses has recently awoken from his pandimensional cryosnooze."
The captain's ocu-orbs widened. It can't be! he hypernotioned.
S'mooshy's ageless face took on an austere glare. "Fixty-two neximinutes ago, Vortusk the Encumberer cast off his laser shackles and commandeered a class B Igdronosian Starphilanderer. Our billiontelligence suggests he's headed to his home planet and your ship is the only thing standing in his way. Recommend intercept course, but be warned th--"
LREE-LREE-LREE
"Captain, we're being fired upon! Ionic nucleoshells incoming!"
F'udge lurched forward and rubbed the sensocom. "All crew brace for impact! Repeat, all crew br--"
KERSHTWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Explosions rocked the ship nonstop for the next 6 neximinutes. Dastard and Hugs were tossed about the bridge like ragdolls and probably would have been killed had they not reverted to their jelly forms. An astrovisimessage appeared on the vu-screen as they retransmogrified into their original configurations.
"Greetings, Captain!" Vortusk chortled. "I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time!"
Dastard helped Hugs to his feet and then addressed his foe rigidly. "Gloat while you can, Vortusk. Mark my words: you will die this day."
More chortling emanated from the bridge's auricolumns. "Oh, Dast! Valiant to the end, aren't you? Well, let's see how you fare with a double dose of omniscuds jammed down your throat! Ho ho!"
J'ibble looked up from the compinterface and yelled at the captain. "He wasn't kidding, sir! There are so many omniscuds heading our way that our milliontelligence can't even give us an accurate count! We're doomed!"
Captain Dastard F'udge shot him a wry grin. "Vice Captain, prime the Decoy Paragon."
Realization dawned on J'ibble's vein-riddled face. He hurriedly entered a series of coordinates into the compinterface with his subtentacles. "On your order, sir!" he beamed.
F'udge turned to the vu-screen. "Don't count me out just yet, Vortusk! Now, J'ibble!"
.jpg)
The vice captain jammed the inordinately gigantic red button on the console with his right tentacle. A cascade of nearly infinite holopigeons materialized between the ship and the omniscuds, confusing their tentelligence and prematurely detonating them.
Vortusk roared with rage, slamming his bulky fistballs on his own compinterface. "Impossible! Gildorn you, Dast!"
Captain F'udge casually plopped back into his captain's throne and pointed a fingdigit at J'ibble. "Fire, Vice Captain. Fire at will!"
J'ibble obliged him. Blue yasers pierced the protectofield of Vortusk's Starphilanderer to create an opening large enough for a hefty helping of giganades to pass through. They both watched him scream out in agony on the vu-screen as his skeleton inverted just before the entire ship imploded.
"You did it, Captain!" J'ibble jabbled.
F'udge clapped him on the back with his claw. "We did it, old friend. Now... bring her around. We're going home!"
No comments:
Post a Comment