Scene from Princess Quest (1981)

  "But, father, I must!" cried the princess.

  "Nonsense!" the king thunderously roared. "No daughter of mine shall embark on such a quest! Dragons? Bah!" He spat a nugget of ox mulch into the royal spittoon abutting his throne. 

  Princess Gabrielle clenched her teeth to prevent tears from escaping, fierce conviction burning in her eyes. And at last, in this moment, the king saw. He saw within her the spirit of the son he never had, his rightful heir.

  But she was still his daughter.

  "Very well." He stood up and shuffled his way down the stairs, the royal guard falling in around him, many of them adjusting their metal codpieces as they did so. "But you will not go alone." He stomped his royal stomping scepter upon the chamber floor and four men bustled into the room.

  Gabrielle greeted them with a curtsy.

  There was Nefario, the falcon caresser. He had shaggy brown hair to accompany his oddly blonde mustache and a bandoleer full of assorted plumbing utensils. He winked and then bowed to her.

  Then there was Gorvald, the rock gatherer. He carried a large mallet that was caked with the gore of previous battles and various kitchen disasters. Instead of bowing, he delivered unto the princess a poem of his own authorship:

  'twixt mallet's smashing
  and inedible dinner's lament
  lies my devotion
  and putrid scent

  The princess clapped uncomfortably at his poem, thankful for its brevity.

  Thirdly came Luminicus, the sword/penis swallower. He attempted to speak but his throat had recently undergone a thorough ravaging from either a sword or a penis but most likely both and most definitely disgustingly. He also had full blown AIDS. He simply nodded instead.

  And last but also least was the sage wizard Mumblabrog, whose mastery of arcane spells was matched only by his complete lack of knowledge of them. He began to bow but the laborious action caused his spine to snap and he died on the spot. One of the royal guardsmen dragged the frail corpse away to the necrophiliasphere down the hall.

  They set off, the three heroes on their trembling nags and the princess on her considerably more badass unicorn that she had named Rambo The Horse. Approximately 10 furlongs north of the castle walls they came upon a seemingly abandoned hut. Gorvald was terrified.

  "No, m'lady!" he moaned. "Tis haunted! Can you not see?!"

  The princess mulled his cowardice. "Hmm, what say you, Luminicus?"

  Luminicus opened his mouth to contribute to the conversation, but it was then that the AIDS seized him and he fell off his horse into a thick brier patch, dead.

  Gorvlad started as if someone had just mistyped his name. "Ya see! Haunted, I say!"

  They continued on.
  And on.
  Days.
  Weeks.
  Months.

  Ascending the craggy precipice of Mount Skullblade, Princess Gabrielle's thoughts roamed backward to the origins of their journey. How the wizard Mumblabrog had keeled over before uttering a single word. How Luminicus had succumbed to the gay pox so soon after. How Nefario had also died in a way too boring to even be narrated. Now, with Gorvald's child in her belly, she had hope. Hope that their journey was at an end.

  They edged their way along the mountainside, pausing only to chew on the occasional strip of unicorn jerky. And at the summit, they saw it: The Castle de'Larmouxroideauxmi which meant "The Dragon's Castle" in Spanish or French or some other dumb language maybe. They strode to the gate and rapped upon it like salesmen with a van full of encyclopedias.

  A cackling witch with bionic breasts greeted them. "Oi! What ye low-dwellers beckon?!" she screamed harshly.

  Gorvald raised a finger as if to reply, thought better of it, and then punched her in her goddamn face. She howled curses through her broken teeth as he then proceeded to grab her weird boobs and yank them from her. Her sternum came with them and her internal organs spilled out onto the snowy mountaintop, steaming with warmth. The witch gurgled her final death screeches as Gorvald and the princess danced in her blood, tripping balls on unicorn jerky. They laughed and sloshed for nearly an hour before the dragon decided to show up and see what the fuck was going on at the castle gates, and when he did, they were in big, big trouble.

THE END APPARENTLY